Mr. Wrong/Right/Nobody

Twenty years old, never had a real boyfriend; definitely personal problems.

I feel like whenever I meet a guy that I am attracted to, he’s either taken, which is a no-go, or he’s single, and I push him away. I start to worry about what my friends would think, my co-workers, my family; I mean it’s insane like you can’t imagine how many thoughts run through my head. The problem is that I don’t know what to do about it, when I talk to my friends about it, they all say that they have exactly the same problem, but when they explain their situation it is nowhere near the same. I just can’t let go; I’m so scared of getting abandoned, so I never feel I can trust anybody with the power of my feelings, I back out before I even risk getting lost in my feelings. When I was little, as long back as I can remember, I was terrified of getting separated from my parents. When I hear stories about children wandering around a department store, out on adventure, or running away from home, I can never relate to that. Whenever I got lost as a kid, I would have a panic attack. When my mom dropped me of at kindergarten (not the same in Denmark; it isn’t relate to the school system at all, until you reach the age of six or seven), and the person there who “received” me was someone I didn’t trust I would cry for like half an hour.

I am normally able to work things out on my own, and fix my problems by thinking about them, I just don’t know how to fix this.

Rock a Hula

I’m writing a paper for Friday, we’re to write somewhere between eight and ten pages and I have already written six, so I have plenty of time since there is 36 hours till we are supposed to hand them in, the problem is that I think I am missing some material, so I have to go to the school library and find it tomorrow morning , but I think it is in french so it’s gonna take me several hours translating it, well it will take several hours getting into the computer so Google Translate can work its magic, but still. It is just typical, for once I actually start writing my paper in good time and I’m still going to be stressed out tomorrow. It is pensum all over again.

But I’m watching the current season of Top Model in my breaks so that’s fun, hence the “rock a hula”. It is storming today and if I had the money I would go to Hawaii.

How to write a paper:

1. Start with the subject, if it was given by your teacher, make sure to ask if you are supposed to create a question yourself or if your teacher will send it to you.
2. Gather up material, find one or two main pieces, depending on the kind of paper you are writing, then look through the bibliography and find more material, you can ask your teacher if they know of any good books about your subject.
3. Read.
4. Write.

If you are in good time it will give you a change to ask your teacher for advice if you need it. You might also have questions later on, and your teacher probably won’t like you to send your questions the night before your paper is due.

Up and Down and Up and Down and Up and …

This last week have been so stressful, it has been horrible.

It started when I send my pensum to my professors, on Sunday Evening, and then received a message that they were both out of the country. I got one pensum approved rather painless but the other one was pure hell. We were told on Tuesday that since our professor were not going to come back before pensum was due, we should send it to someone else, who could correct it, so of course I did, only I didn’t hear back, so at 6 pm the night before it was due, I send it again, just to be safe. I was so nervous, all the others had received an answer, so I figured that my email had gotten lost somehow. I slept terrible that night, but luckily I got it approved an hour before it was due on Thursday.

At the moment I am relaxed, but next week is going to be hell again, as we are to hand in papers on Friday. But for the moment I just want to enjoy that my pensum got approved, and then on Sunday I will start my paper.

How to make me cry

1. Make me hand in my pensum

 

I’m serious I’m almost crying right now because my teacher hasn’t answered my email yet. The pensum is due tomorrow at 12 pm, it is now almost 10 pm, I first send my pensum to our professor on Sunday evening, hoping that he would approve it Monday, then I learned that he was out of the country. Then Tuesday we were told to send that pensum to another teacher, but because I’m moving I don’t really have any internet, a friend offered to send it for me. Today all the others got theirs approved while me and the friend who send mine haven’t heard anything. So then at 6 pm today I send pensum for yet another teacher, explaining that I hadn’t received an answer and therefore thought it safer to send it again. I didn’t expect to hear from them tonight, I was just hoping they would answer me so I could actually sleep tonight. So all I can do now is hope for an email tomorrow morning that approves it.

It’s just so unfair, I send it on Sunday because I was going to be busy this week, and the others didn’t send theirs until yesterday. Life sucks, well, University of Copenhagen sucks. I know it is for the climate, but I’m not exactly one of those people who have to print it out a million times because they can’t get right. It should be optional (it probably is they are just keeping it a secret, trust me, I really wouldn’t be surprised). I’m gonna cry now.

@#%&

I hate my school

 

We have to hand in pensum by tomorrow, but our teachers are supposed to approve them, and they haven’t yet. I sent mine on Sunday evening and it is now Wednesday, one of them haven’t even answered my mail yet and the other said I had to send it in again, it is very stressful as it is on top of a eight to ten pages paper we have to do for next friday. I cried last night in a panic attack (happens more often than I like, but crying somehow calms me), and I never cry. I say this every time something about school is horrible but if this fail, I’m going to drop out. It’s hard staying focused on, when the education you really want is more than 18 months away. The education I want is rather special and there is no bachelor for it, it’s only a masters degree, so you have to choose a bachelor degree that is fairly similar to it, and that’s what I have done, but to be honest it sometimes bore me and I wonder how much I actually want this. But then something happens and I remember why I am here. I wouldn’t mind that something to happen right now.

 

I’m not sure I am making much sense, I’m sorry.

What’s wrong with human contact?

besides the occasional email?

 

My University has decided to do pretty much everything online now, exam registration, information about everything and the dreaded Pensum approval. I don’t mind info-mails, and rather unimportant stuff like that, but for a control freak and pessimist (normally i’m optimistic, but not when it comes to stuff like this, I mean something always goes wrong) like myself, especially the pensum approval is nervewracking. You send the first email, unsure of a million things, is this the right email? is it in the right format? how many mistakes did I make? Then you wait, and wait, and wait some more, unlike waiting outside your professors office, you are all alone, you have noone to talk to, laugh at, and hug. The waiting can go on for hours, you are affraid to leave the computer in case the professor responds, you just sit inside waiting. Soon your friends call you to hear wether you wanna go to the movies, you say no. They call again an hour later to hear if you wanna go grab a bite to eat, NO! Then they ask if they can come by, you say no because you know that after sitting in front of the computer for more than a day, you look (and smell) like a war prisoner. You almost fall asleep on the keyboard, with your nose pressing the F-key. Then you hear a sound, PLING!, you’ve got mail. It’s from your professor it reads;

 

Dear Cider,

I have marked the places that need correction, please mail me back with the corrected version as soon as possible.

Best wishes, S.

 

NOOOOO! You open the document, almost everything is marked with red and yellow.

 

Bang! You just hit the floor

 

I’m rambling, I’m sorry, I just send an email to my two professors with my pensum, and all I got was an automatically generated respond, that said that they were both out of the country. I’m stressed enough without that, Pensum is due Nov 12th, I’m in the middle of moving so I have no internet in the new apartment, and I have to write two papers in the next two weeks. I just want this out of the way.

Oh damn…

I was at a halloween party at my university and I met this guy who were very nice and since we were going in the same direction we talked on the train home, I and as we were parting I thought: “If I don’t do something we might not see each other ever again” this wasn’t necessarily in a romantic kind of way, but I gave him my number. But as I was surfing facebook, I saw his name on the profile of a girl I used to be friends with, and it turns out that they are in a relationship. It’s rather new, so I hadn’t heard, and now it kind of looks really bad for both me and him if she finds my number. I’m just hoping that he threw it out or something, and I definitely hope that if he calls it is only to hear if there’s a party on somewhere.

Welcome

I hope to entertain you with my stories and experiences, and to keep up with my own brain. At times it does seem to live a life on it’s own.